By yon bonnie banks

Remarkably, I’ve had a few days off! Four, in fact, from tuesday to friday. I am a happy bunny.

On tuesday I went to see a show at the festival with a friend from church (yes! I have friends from church now!), then I did a lot of rather frustrating online training stuff which is due for monday (yes, all you med students out there, even once you have reached the hallowed goal of doctorhood medical training is still a box-ticking exercise) including a pharmacy tutorial thing which is marked by a pharmacist and the results of which go to your tutor – it took me AGES and was pretty tough but I got like 92% so it can’t have been that hard! I hope the pass mark is less than 90%…

On wednesday I went through to Glasgow to pick up a friend who I haven’t seen for a year – it’s not that we are lazy or bad at keeping in touch or that we don’t like each other any more, it’s just that she was in Japan for a year and it’s hard to meet up regularly with someone who lives on the other side of the world. Not impossible, but certainly more difficult than if she lived just down the road. Anyway. We set off in the car for a wee road trip to Loch Lomond, and, believe it or not, it was a glorious day! Possibly the first since April. We climbed up a hill and surveyed the views while eating strawberries, we went out for lunch, we chatted about lots of things, we got lost a few times (she’s not the best map-reader in the world but we were in no rush and I love her anyway), we drove on a lot of roads which look like this but with forrest and hills, we stayed in a B&B run by a lovely man with a Highland accent (consequently I will always associate that region with Highland accents, although they are all Weegies), we pottered about a bit more and rated each town on their facilities (Aberfoyle, lose 10 points for not having a chippy but gain 20 for having nice toilets, Callander gain 10 points for having an excellent chippy, Crianlarich lose lots of points for having nothing! Though I gather the station restaurant is nice…), then we went home again. It was a great trip.

Last night I went on a work night out which was a bit of a let-down, especially given that only 3 of us turned up, plus one more from another ward – grrr at my registrar who organised the whole thing and then didn’t come, I love him a little less now. Today I have finished off the annoying training thing, and tonight am having a family dinner with, you’ve guessed it, my family. The parents are departing on Sunday which might be a bit of a shock, since they have spoiled me rotten by doing all my washing and making me food to take with me while I’m at work, not to mention picking me up after particularly long shifts!

I’ll leave you with another picture which my friend took yesterday and which apparently sums me up in a nutshell…though I think a stethoscope should be added for completeness!

Impulses

Today has been a day of impulses. It started when I couldn’t sleep last night, so I bought a polaroid camera on e-bay for £2. I always wanted a polaroid. It seemed like a good deal.

Then I changed my blog. I like it here. It’s nice.

Then I went to church this evening (I went this morning too, don’t worry) and randomly said to someone ‘I think I know you from somewhere’ (what a floozy). It turns out that unless I met him at my med school open day six long years ago, it’s unlikely that we’ve met before, but I swear he looked familiar. Anyway, well done to this guy and the guy sitting next to him for being not in the least bit freaked out by a strange girl randomly introducing herself and for being very friendly.

Church today was awesome. Both times. The talks were both on Psalm 42 and 43, and, in a nutshell, were about how God can sometimes feel far away and it’s ok for us to feel like that. Wow, that was a really small nutshell. Anyway, I like to keep things simple.

It got me thinking. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days feeling cross about various things – namely my lack of freedom living in my parents’ house again (although mainly sans parents, so it’s not so bad), missing having my own place, missing my uni friends, missing my social life in general – I’ve been feeling quite sorry for myself. It seems like by choosing to work in the city that I love, I’ve moved away from the life I spent six years building, and now I have to start over, and I admit I was sulking a bit about this. It sounds childish, I am fully aware of that!

It has felt to me for a long time like God’s far away, and because I am so hopeless at remembering to talk to him and spend time with him, I sometimes feel like he’s given up on me. I would give up on me if I were him, I’m pretty rubbish.

But something that was said today struck home – two things in fact. Firstly, when life sucks and God feels far away, the psalmist makes a conscious choice not to give up on it all. Head over heart. I often get the impression that Christians think that faith should come from the heart alone, but sometimes it’s a head thing – hearts make mistakes, they confuse things, they bruise easily, they doubt things. But making a decision to trust God whatever and sticking to it is a head thing, and can bridge the gap between the times when God is close and life is a breeze.

The other thing was slightly less profound – a quote from Adrian Plass which is so simple but so good: “God is nice and he likes me.”

Because he is, and he does. Even when I don’t like me (which is quite often), and even when I feel like lots of people don’t like me, and I lose all my confidence, God likes me, loves me even, and he matters more than anyone.

So I feel good this evening as I’m writing this on my shiny new blog. I feel peaceful. Which is wonderful, given what this week holds. Long may the peace continue!